


Safety

by SociallyAwkwardFox (Maze_Runner_Fae)



Series: JayTim Secret Santa 2016 [4]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Anxiety, Asexual Tim, Asexuality, Comfort/Angst, Crying, M/M, Romance, Societal expectations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 10:10:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9176251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maze_Runner_Fae/pseuds/SociallyAwkwardFox
Summary: Tim’s spent most of his life pretending to be somebody he’s not and he can’t do it any longer.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Happy holidays to ghyst-alae!
> 
> I’m actually pretty nervous about putting this one up. I wanted to give you the angst/comfort you wanted and the asexual!Tim and I just hope it came out right. A lot of the inspiration for this came from a post I reblogged that had stories of people who are asexual and their partners and the challenges they faced.
> 
> Enjoy!

Every day he hates himself a little more for it. It’s not normal, at least that’s what people always tell him. They say he’ll grow out it. He doesn’t understand. It’s normal to hide nerves behind other emotions, like disgust. As he grew older, people became less understand. There has to be something wrong with him if he couldn’t comprehend why people would want to have sex. It was only natural. A part of human nature.

So, he hid. He was good at that. Putting on a mask. Pretending to be what people expect him to be. He’s a Drake and a Wayne. His life should be full of booze, women, and sex. Like Bruce Wayne before him, he should be a textbook playboy. It’s what’s expected of him. He pretends to be, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t fill his life with booze and women and sex. He fills it with work and crime fighting and pretending.

When Jason comes barrelling into his life, he starts to pretend a little less. The tabloids go nuts after they find out Tim Drake-Wayne isn’t the lady’s man they thought he was. Tim Drake likes men and isn’t that just the most outlandish thing since the Joker? He gets weird stares and some of the older members on the board don’t take too kindly to the news, but it’s one less thing he has to lie about. It’s refreshing, but also terrifying. His one comfort is no one in their little makeshift family treats him any differently.

There’s still one thing he ignores. Something he knows he should, at the very least, tell Jason. It’s only fair, but he can’t. It’s too hard and terrifying a thought. He’s addicted to this feeling and if Jason decides it’s too much, it might just crush him. He’s never been so aware of how fragile his heart is, so he keeps it to himself. He pretends the thought doesn’t send him into a crying mess on nights when he’s alone stewing in his thoughts and that everything is normal. That he’s normal.

But Jason notices something. He was raised by Batman, just like Tim. Maybe it’s the little flinches Tim does whenever Jason’s hands wander a little too far for comfort or the slight terror he feels on the nights Jason suggests he stays over. Jason picks up on the small things and gives Tim concerned looks, but he never pushes. His wandering hands vanish and he gives a little disappointed smile and mentions there always being a next time. Those are the times Tim gets so close to telling him, but he always bites his tongue. They can talk about it later. That’s what he tells himself at least.

He keeps his secret, until he can’t anymore.

* * *

 

It hits him like a freight train. They’re watching some cheesy foreign film that isn’t in a language Tim can understand. It’s a perfectly normal night. Jason has his arm wrapped around Tim’s shoulder and he seems content to stay that way. For some reason, that’s what brings Tim to tears. He begins bawling out of absolutely nowhere.

Once the tears start flowing, he can’t stop them. He’s sure his face turns red and his eyes are puffy and Jason’s probably confused, but he’s lost control of his body. It’s a horrifying feeling. Having control over his life is all he knows. It keeps him together and safe from other people. Safe from those who would tell him there’s something wrong with him.

By the time he’s done, his cheeks are covered in dried and fresh tears and there’s snot pouring out of his nose. Jason’s eyes are so wide, Tim immediately feels bad for scaring him with his sudden inability to keep his emotions in check. There’s now a large space between the two of them on the couch and Jason’s hand is hovering uncertainly between them. It makes Tim’s heart beat a little faster in his chest and his blood runs cold in fear.

“Are you… I’m not sure what to ask.”

“I’ve been lying to you.”

Jason furrows his eyebrows and purses his lips into a thin frown. “About what?”

“You might hate me.”

“Doubtful. Is this about the touching thing?”

“What touching thing?”

“Sometimes you make this weird face when I try to touch you.” He motions at the distance between them. “That’s why I backed off. I thought it was too much for you. I didn’t want to hurt you more.”

“Oh, that’s… I don’t mind. You touching me, I just. That’s not what’s wrong with me.”

“Something’s wrong with you? As in you’re sick and your medication is making you emotional?”

“No, I’m not sick.”

“Then I’m not sure I understand.”

Tim shakes his head and stands up from the couch, so there is even more space between the two of them. “Do I make you happy? I mean, are you satisfied with our relationship? The way it is now, not the future or anything. Just now.”

“Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“What if it doesn’t change?”

“Realistically, I can’t see that happening. Look,” A strong hand lands on Tim’s shoulder and he has to fight the urge to slip out from under it. “I get that whatever this is about is hard for you to talk about, but it’s hard for me to understand what you’re trying to say when you’re not saying it. What would make this easier for you? Writing it down?”

“I’ve never… never talked about it, like this. It’s easier to not. People don’t agree with it.”

“Okay. What you’re saying is you’re scared to talk about it because people don’t agree with whatever it is and you think I’ll be the same. Do I have that right?”

“Yeah.”

“Is there anything I could say or do that would make you more comfortable?”

“No. Please, don’t leave me. Even if you want to break up with me, don’t leave me alone tonight. I really need you to stay.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

The sincerity in Jason’s eyes makes Tim feel a little better, but a voice in the back of his head tells him not to get carried away and think Jason will want to continue their relationship after he knows. It’s not normal and hoping Jason will think so will only make it harder when Jason gives him the same speech everyone else used to. He’ll learn how to like to it. It’s fine to be nervous. It’s part of a healthy relationship. You just don’t understand yet.

If he had any tears left, Tim was sure he would be crying again at this point. Acknowledging it, the thing he’s been trying to ignore for so long, probably means the end of this. Late night movie marathons, ice cream sundaes at two in the morning, having Jason by his side no matter what. He doesn’t want it to end, he’s selfish like that, but why would Jason stay with something as broken as Tim?

“Hey, stop thinking so much. You’re shaking. Take a deep breath and calm down. You don’t have to tell me.”

“Yes, I do! You need to know. I should have told you sooner or not agreed to this relationship. It isn’t fair to you.”

“I think that’s for me to decide.” Jason gently runs his thumbs under Tim’s eyes, then pulls his hands away to give Tim his space. “Can I?”

“Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.”

“Okay.”

“Stop laughing at me!”

“I’m not. I’m trying to get you to relax, but obviously I’m doing a terrible job at it.”

“I can say it. You’ll stay.”

“Promise.”

After taking a deep breath and clenching his hands into tight fists at his side, Tim finally works up enough courage to force the words out of his mouth. “I don’t want to have sex. Ever. I find the idea repulsive.”

 “Okay.”

“That’s it?”

“What were you expecting me to say?”

“That I don’t know what I’m talking about. That I’ll learn to like. That there must be something wrong with me if I don’t want to have sex.”

“Tim, there’s nothing wrong with you.” Jason presses a quick kiss to Tim’s forehead. “Not all relationships revolve around sex. Some do, but they don’t have to. We don’t have sex now and our relationship is healthy. We spend time together and most of the time we’re pretty good at communicating. I like to think we make each other happy.”

“But what about you? I’m never going to have sex with you. It’s not going to happen.”

“There’s this thing called masturbation.”

“Jason!”

“What? I’m serious. If I feel the urge, I’ll just take care of it myself. I’m pretty good at by now.”

“That’s disgusting.”

“I know. I’m so gross. Can I ask you something?”

“Yes.”

“Are you happy? I get that people haven’t been accepting of who you are in the past and I don’t expect you to believe me when I say I do, but are you with me because you want to be or because people expect you to be in a relationship?”

Somehow, tears prickle at the corners of Tim’s eyes and he fights the urge to cry for a second time that night. “Why would you think that?”

“I’m not trying to be mean, but I know you. You have a tendency to do what’s expected of you and I don’t want to fall into that category. I will support you, no matter what, but I want you to be happy. Whatever that means for you.”

“You make me happy. I thought you would end it after I told you and the thought terrified me. It’s why I waited so long. I was being selfish because I didn’t want you to leave.”

“Good.”

“Good?”

“I wouldn’t mind you being a little more selfish. The not talking to me about something important, I’m not a fan of, but you taking something you want? It’s a good change.”

“Thank you!” Tim wraps his arms around Jason’s waist and presses his face against his chest. “Thank you for not thinking there’s something wrong with me. I’m sick of feeling that way. I hate it. It hurts so much.”

“We’ll work on it. I hate seeing you hurt. You help me with my nightmares and I’ll help you with this. That’s what couples do. Team up to fight the world.”

“I think you’ve been watching too many action movies.”

“You can’t prove anything.”

“I’m a detective. It’s my job to prove my theories correct.”

“Such a nerd.” Jason pushes his hair out of his eyes, then tips his chin up so Tim is facing him instead of his chest. “We need to talk about what you’re comfortable with.”

“I told you-”

“No sex. I know, but what about kissing? Sometimes I got the feeling you didn’t enjoy it.”

“I do. It’s just-”

“Just what?”

“When your hands would stray, it felt like you were…”

“Trying for more?”

“Yes.”

With a deliberate slowness, Jason rests his hands gently on either side of Tim’s hips, so lightly he can hardly feel it. “Is this okay?”

“I’m not a doll.”

Jason chuckles under his breath, then Tim is lifted into the air before he can comprehend what’s happening. He lets out a shriek of laughter as Jason rans his hands over his sides, looking for those ticklish spots that drive Tim crazy. It’s the perfect distraction and Tim’s more than a little surprised when he gets thrown on his mattress. He bounces off the bed and might have ended up on the floor if Jason didn’t squish him with his larger body.

“Get off! I can’t breathe!”

“I can’t understand you.”

“Get off!”

“Ouch! I’m moving. Did you have to pinch so hard?”

“Did you have to crush me?”

“No.” Jason rolls onto his side and props his chin on his hand. “But that was more fun than just agreeing you’re not a doll. I should get going. It’s late.”

“Wait! You said you’d stay.”

“Right. Do you have any extra blankets? Maybe a pillow?”

“There’s some in the closet. Why?”

“For the couch.”

A wave of uncertainty runs through Tim’s body as he considers telling Jason he can share his bed for the night. He wants to show Jason that he trusts him, but his heart still beats like crazy and his palms start to sweat at the mere thought of it. It’s too ingrained in his brain. The idea of what sharing a bed means in a relationship. The expectations of it.

“It can wait. I’m not tired yet.”

“What do you want to do? Talk?”

“Sure, but not about that. Something else.”

“What’s your favorite color? And don’t say red!”

“Red is a great color!”

“You’re so predictable.”

“Fine. What’s your favorite color?”

“Blue.” Jason places his hand on the side of Tim’s face and looks so deeply into his eyes, Tim thinks he could see exactly what he was thinking. “Definitely blue.”


End file.
